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Grizzly Weinstein
sea_gaagii
.:.::.. .:.:.::.:

April 2009
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Grizzly Weinstein [userpic]
Flattered

I recently got a response to my polymatch ad. Before anyone jumps in saying that I shouldn't be looking for another relationship because I have plenty; you are right. I am not looking for another relationship and my polymatch ad is set to "not looking"

So it is slightly more flattering when someone decides to answer it anyway. Either they think I am witty, or they think I am cute, or both (I am going with both).

In the response, she acknowledged seeing that I am not looking and asked if that precluded friendly emails. I think it will be nice to set up an email exchange with a person. I once found an extremely interesting person on non-poly match.com located in CA. Her ad said not to send the normal "pickup email", she only wanted to hear about your weekend. She didn't even care of you were looking for a date. I though this was a cool idea and sent her one. She sent an email in response telling me about her weekend as if she knew me as a good friend. Pretty cool concept, I did send and receive a few more but I am a little scatterbrained about things like that and eventually lost the email address (oops).

It is sort of like LJ only a little different. I think I might try to do something similar with the person who wants to exchange friendly emails. I have recently agreed with someone else's assessment that I don't do 'casual' sex. I seem to be pretty incapable of trying to have sex with someone without trying to establish a relationship. This is probably true. I want to have female friends, but my relationship/sex non separation coupled with the "Law of Harry Met Sally" (men and women can't be friends without wanting to have sex with each other) makes it a little harder.

I do have quite a few cool female friends, but I do also want to have sex with them (N.B. want is not the same as raging urge to act upon). One in particular (who I did date for a short time and had sex with for a slightly longer time) is finally off my mental list as a still want to have sex with. She has not changed (anymore than your average person) but I think I have developed a "full" respect for our relationship as a friends-only relationship. I think mentally knowing this and emotionally (or even gonadly) knowing this are two different things.

With this in mind I really want the opportunity to develop a friendship with a woman who I have not had sex with nor wanted to have sex with before a friendship formed.

Someone needs to register liverambles.com and link it to livejournal. It seems to be the same thing for me.

Comments

You said:
I do have quite a few cool female friends, but I do also want to have sex with them (N.B. want is not the same as raging urge to act upon). One in particular (who I did date for a short time and had sex with for a slightly longer time) is finally off my mental list as a still want to have sex with. She has not changed (anymore than your average person) but I think I have developed a "full" respect for our relationship as a friends-only relationship. I think mentally knowing this and emotionally (or even gonadly) knowing this are two different things.

Fascinating. While what you said makes me have a ball of anxiety and ick inside my stomach,I do believe there is much truth here and I'm grateful that you were willing to say it. Especially the part about "full" respect. I hope you can look closer at that one. I've felt from time to time that I was only useful to you as a sexual object or something pretty to look at. I don't always feel that but I think some of what I felt is confirmed in the above paragraph or else I totally don't understand what you are saying. What I get from it is that the relationships in which you lust after someone are shallower than friendship and once a true friendship occurs, sex ends or is at least unnecessary to the process. So sex and love are in a different realm from friendship and that friendship is the deeper process.

Overall, in a funny way you seem to be willing to offer more intimacy to those you aren't sexually intimate with. Is that what you meant?

What I meant

Overall, in a funny way you seem to be willing to offer more intimacy to those you aren't sexually intimate with. Is that what you meant?

Nope, not what I meant. If I am going to respect that a relationship is going to be 'just friends' that is all I should really consider it as. If the 'friend' is asking for my opinion on her relationship issues no matter how much I tried to keep my emotions about wanting to have sex with her away from my answer they would probably cloud my response in some way.

Truth is one factor that controls the level of intimacy. I am going to be more intimate with someone when I am not lying to myself or her about what type of relationship I am trying to have. The second factor is goal. It is hard to achieve a level higher than the one you are striving for (back to truth, it is hard to achieve a level you are lying about)

Sexual objects are not worth all the 'work' you put me through. Someone like you, someone I really love, is.

Re: What I meant


Sexual objects are not worth all the 'work' you put me through. Someone like you, someone I really love, is.

Point and match. You are right. I have put you through such shit and you continue to work on it. And I don't think I've given you near enough credit for that. Now, I will. Yes, I have felt like I wasn't important to you (many reasons. One can always find reasons if one looks, yes?) and there is a good possibility that I have tried to get you to prove that I was. Not through asking you not to see Shimmeringjemmy for that month, but through pushing for the emotional intimacy. I'd like to say I'm sorry but I really believe that an "I'm sorry" needs to come with a commitment not to do it again. While I'm going to try to ease off you a bit, I am still going to push to be allowed into your emotional landscape. I'm going to try to give you the space to do that in your own way. I just hope you can find a way that I can see.


Just Friends

I'm going to have to disagree with you (*gasp*). I believe that it is possible to have friends of the opposite sex with whom you do not have sex nor desire to have sex. I have several.

We've had this discussion before though - it didn't usually end welll... You know, with my being right and all that. :)